I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
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Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.