I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
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How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”