My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
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Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
…u ok Nintendo?
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*