[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
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Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny