*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
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I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.