[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
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friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.