Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
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I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Greeting humans vs their dogs