You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
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Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Cow it started Cow it’s going
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream