Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
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I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
My dream job is getting paid to dream
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick