Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
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Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
why isn’t thunder called soundning
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Best spoiler warning ever
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine