I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
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I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
God has left this place
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Poetry is my passion
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems