Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
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How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
(Electricians.)
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.