cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
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[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I drew y’all a little something.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”