A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
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glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?