*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
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Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…