Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
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It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that