(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
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50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
If you’re testing me, we failed.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers