HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
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My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Do not steal food from the science building!
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
This hospital has everything
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.