My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
You Might Also Like
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
plant them where lol
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”