I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
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co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
…u ok Nintendo?
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.