Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
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WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
i prefer mine room temperature.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Legend 🤣🤣
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.