Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
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FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.