Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
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Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?