[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
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Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms