I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
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Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.