*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
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During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Okey dokey.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally