The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
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My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
british sex workers really pound for pound
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.