me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
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“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.