The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
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I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.