This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
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I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Thursday Thought.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.