I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
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Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Midwest trash talk
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.