streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
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You sure about that?
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
podcasts
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”