I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
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Shoo shoo! 😂
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.