independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
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Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas