I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
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I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
😬
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances