Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
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If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.