My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
You Might Also Like
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I love you…
…r dog.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.