Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
You Might Also Like
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
kitchen magnet
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Storm Tropical Storm
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not