I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
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*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
When you don’t understand how floors work
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
💯😂
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Me if I was a dog
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.