I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
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[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Mission: Impossible
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars