I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
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This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no