*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
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My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Cat is stressing him out.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.