My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
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One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?