If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
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5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
hmmm
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.