Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
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Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I need a headline like this
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
U talkin 2 me?
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.