-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
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If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.