My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
You Might Also Like
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*