I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
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Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Y’all ready for this
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure