Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
You Might Also Like
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.