I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
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Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.